Here’s The Panel Of Judges Who’ll Decide The Winners At The First-Ever Str8UpGayPorn Awards

Posted April 6, 2017 by with 23 comments

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Last month, Str8UpGayPorn announced that the one and only Sandra Bernhard will be hosting the 1st annual Str8UpGayPorn Awards on June 22nd, live from New York City. Today, I’m proud to announce 11 more names who’ll help make the ceremony a one-of-a-kind event with their votes as the official judges at the Str8UpGayPorn Awards. These judges will cast votes in 16 categories (two additional categories will be determined by fan votes) after nominations are announced next Tuesday, April 11th.

Having objective and independent judges with no vested interest in nominees will obviously elevate winners so that their awards actually matter. These 11 judges—and the #1 Fan Judge contest winner, for a total panel of 12 judges—are a mix of adult industry professionals, performers, journalists, editors, producers, artists, authors, and cultural critics. They and their work have appeared in The New York Times, MTV, PAPER Magazine, Logo, Jezebel, VH1, Boy Culture, and BuzzFeed, and I’m incredibly grateful to have each judge’s critical expertise playing such a key role. Here are all 12 judges who’ll pick the winners at the Str8UpGayPorn Awards:

Adam Baran
Writer & Filmmaker

Evan Ross Katz
Writer & Editor

Conner Habib
Performer, Lecturer, & Author

“Dazzer”
#1 Fan Judge Contest Winner

Erik Schut
Managing Director & CMM, TLAgay.com / TLA Video

Erynn Ashley
Content Manager, Stunner Media

Ira Madison III
Writer & Editor

Matthew Rettenmund
Author & Editor, BoyCulture.com

Frederick McKindra
Writer & Journalist

Mickey Boardman
Editorial Director, PAPER Magazine

Rich Juzwiak
Writer & Editor

William V.
Author & Journalist

After viewing each of the nominees in all 16 categories, all 12 judges will submit their completed ballots to Str8UpGayPorn by the voting deadline of May 15th, and each judge’s votes will remain confidential between him/her and Str8UpGayPorn. After the ceremony on June 22nd, judges are free to discuss their votes openly, if they choose.

Note: If there is a 6-6 tie after all 12 votes have been counted in any category, both of those top vote-getters will receive the Str8UpGayPorn Award. In the unlikely event of a 4-4-4 tie (or an even more unlikely 3-3-3-3 tie), the #1 Fan Judge holds the ultimate power to select two winners from that tie.

Tickets, live streaming, and venue information for the Str8UpGayPorn Awards, which are presented by Pornhub, will be made available on nomination day (when even more surprises will be announced) next Tuesday, April 11th, starting at 11am PT.

  • FrenchBug

    I don’t really care about awards but I give Zach credit this is an awesome way to do it – as transparently as possible.
    As long as the transparency does not involve Conner Habib writing a series of essays describing the sociological meaning and philosophical underpinning of each of his choices, we’re good.

    • Xzamilloh

      Precisely… I prefer my deepness in a throat, not a pretentious poem

      • Dazzer

        You’ve got a big dick,
        Make it quick,
        I’ve drunk to much,
        And I’m going to be sick.

        I’m up for the Nobel Prize for Literature this year – just sayin’

        • Mike Julius

          Beautiful.

          But if I may?

          “…I’ve drunk to much,
          And I’m going to be sick.
          You better plug the hole with your dick.”

          • Xzamilloh

            You cad, it’s “too.” Cast him into the poetry slammer

            So says Xzamilloh, Lord Nazi of Grammar

          • nick

            I’ve drunk too much…
            And this might sound sick…
            But beat me senseless, with your dick

          • Mike Julius

            I’ve drunk too much
            And I’m not trying to be slick,
            but I need to know, how thick is your dick?

    • COCKTASTE

      the second I saw his name I thought the same thing

  • Tellingthetruth

    Rich Juzwiak, William Van Meter and Mickey Boardman are three of my favorites. So awesome they are doing this!

  • sxg

    Connor Habib???
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c5f589cc7fb30beba64fbfeb8248cc7398ffd1b21c00647389f4863d0f061b75.gif
    The man makes me almost as sick as Colby Keller. But at least Connor didn’t say he was voting for Trump. He’s still fucking obnoxious.

    Rich Jizwack shouldn’t be judging porn, he should be starring in it!!!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3904bd6b46ec6ce678d1f4d1a9158a94ad99b27d5961164407af8974d4779c74.jpg
    A sexy shaved/bald man is a weakness of mine!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8b12f155348a878a0120cc993272a9b6caed5e24326fb087913b2cfcf5d170a9.gif
    As for the rest of the judges:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e45289a5debb8c6d0d4f30b29687bbd56f976839e0844e3cb92e6d02f1de774.gif

  • Scrapple

    Wasn’t William Van Meter the name of a character in Jumpin’ Jack Flash? Wait, his name was Mark. Anyway, Rich’s fine ass is going to be there? If I wasn’t already secretly jealous of Dazzer, I would be now.

    • Dazzer

      I can’t be at the awards ceremony – something that makes me genuinely sick. but you’re the idiots who voted for Trump and his moronic travel ban. I’m so white and British that I can stand next to the elder Mrs Bush and remark: “You appear to have developed a bit of a tan, Barbara – and everyone would know it’s the best social snub of the season).

      Unfortunately, I was born to British imperialist parents (well, actually neither of them were particularly imperialist – it was just easier if they were out of the UK for several years back then). And I was born in a country that would guarantee me a minimum of 48 hours in a US airport before I was deported).

      As a result, there are going to be two front-row seats at the awards ceremony that should be for me and a friend (that’s the only tangible benefit of being a judge – I don’t know if the infant Sire will even buy you a drink).

      I’ve already made gentle overtures to Zach to give those chairs to a StraightUpGayPornFan. But given that PornHub is involved in the sponsoring – and they’re utter control freaks when it comes to organising stuff – I don’t know whether it’s within his purview to give away a free seat.

      If a seat is going begging (fnarr, fnarr – Brit reference, look it up), I’m all in favour of it going to someone who wants to frotelyze Rich Juzwiak. And if you can get pics of him and Zach having a coke-fuelled sex binge in the toilets while Michael Lucas is being told to fuck off by the bouncers, so much the better.

      • Scrapple

        I completely forgot you’re an Around the Way Girl. It’s a shame America has become a country where a foreigner can’t visit for a few days, with the intent of mingling with a large group of garishly dressed men who engage in homosexual acts on camera for money, adulation, “experimentation” and/or recreational drugs. Perhaps Zach or Pornhub have connections at BBC America or Sky 1. Then you could throw shade via satellite at an undisclosed location. Maybe they could even darken your profile and give you one of those voice changers while you’re onscreen. Like what Donald Burns was hoping he could arrange for Justin Matthews during Jarec’s trial.

  • Dazzer

    Bloody hell.

    That’s one hell of a strong judging panel. I didn’t even have to Google most of them to know who they are.

    I hereby promise to uphold the very best practices of Str8UpGayPorn Fans by being blind drunk when I do all of my judging. And if this means me pouring gin over my cornflakes in the morning, by God I’ll do it.

    But I’ll do it only for you, my fine fellows (and occasional fellowesses who also comment here from time to time).

    Also, if Conner Habib or Rich Juzwiak or Adam Baran or Evan Ross Katz whip out one of their lovingly crafted, incisive, emotionally appealing essays at any stage, I promise I will reply with any one of the millions of wonderfully surreal Zealot comments, sxg’s pure, evil snark, Mike Julius’s distilled intelligence, one of the exchanges about law between AJ and others, Xzamilloh’s astute observations, Scrapple’s laugh-out-loud moments, Frenchbug’s exquisitely-turned barbs – or any number of superb comments we have here.

    I’ll just leave the message for the great and the good of the judging panel: “Beat that, fuckers”. And include a Brady Bunch.gif (probably one of sxg’s – because I think he was the first to introduce that here).

    When the nominations are announced, I’m not going to take part in any discussion here (or anywhere else) as to who should win.

    Obviously, I’ll make my own list of favourites from the nominations.

    More importantly though, I’ll be reading the comments sections here and taking notes about who appears to be a fan favourite. If I don’t have a clear favourite myself – the person, scene, footwear, manbun, scar, tatt, anal bleaching, criminal record or whatever that appears to have taken the comments section’s fancy will get the “Fan Vote”.

    Also, I give you my absolute guarantee that if there is a three-way tie and the decision comes down to the “Fan Vote”, I’ll base my decision on the balance of favourable comments made on this site. Even if I think you’re utter morons for making that decision.

    For the geeks who want to know how I’ll evaluate the way Str8UpGayPorn fans have voted is by opting for a single transferable vote or alternative voting system (depending on which looks like it’ll provide a more representative result for fans).

    Again for the geeks, back in the day I used to be a member of the Electoral Reform Society in the UK, so I actually know how to do the evaluation, organisation and counting of votes.

    One point about this though, is that if fans want to state: “BLAH FOR NUMBER ONE FOREVER – ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES” that’s a perfectly acceptable single vote. But if Fans want to write in:
    “i) BLAH
    2) BLAH
    3) BLAH”
    All those three votes will count – but I’ll weight them according to the priority you give them.

    Essentially, if you don’t know what I’m doing here as to how I’ll try to count your votes, fuck off and try Google. An explanation from that will probably be simpler than my waffle.

    Also, I’ll also only be doing this for the top three priorities you give in your votes. If you give me a list of ten – I’m still only going to pay attention to the top three.

    I just want to make this clear though: If I think a person or people or creation of an idea has made a unique and original contribution to gay porn this year – it’s going to get my vote and I’m going to ignore the comments section. You need to know this because I’m the witless prick who actually enjoyed some of Colby Keller’s more stupid gay porn odyssey across America – so I can be a fuck-up here (mind you, with Mr Keller, it’s only because of his plastic blow-up lobster – which beats the crap out of any other studio’s rectangular set-dressing).

    That said, who here thinks anyone has made as unique and original contribution to gay porn as a plastic blow-up lobster (also need to give a shout-out to the real-life lobsters – their side-eye timing was comedy perfection – especially as they were looking at human beings having sex.)

    Sorry for being so long and boring here, but if the estimable Mr Sire is going to be transparent here, then I should be, too.

    Again, sorry for boring everyone.

    • Zealot

      We’re there with you in spirit Daz! I’m honored to be mentioned with the other commenters you referenced. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

  • Marcus Collack

    Ready for all the Cucu!

    • Xzamilloh

      I love me some Cynthia Lee Fontaine, but she was literally like a busted clock. The whole episode: Cucu!! Cucu!! Cucu!! Cucu!! Cucu!! Cucu!! Cucu!! Hashtag Cucu!!

  • Jemoen

    “Ira Madison III”

    Yikes.

  • nick

    I thought it was “if you pick at it, it will keep coming back”

    • Maximus

      That too!

  • Shubear

    Forgive a silly question … but, why don’t we like Conner? I’m confused.

    • Maximus

      Because he considers himself something of a scholar despite having never received a graduate degree or a faculty position, let alone a tenure track position. He has also never been published in a peer-reviewed academic journal. His pseudo-intellectual op-eds are absolutely insufferable, as are his Twitter musings. The title of his autobiography—which he will undoubtably one day foist upon humanity—should be “Unjustifiable Pretension and an Unearned Sense of Accomplishment: The Life of Conner Habib.”

  • Spammer4life

    The most shocking thing about these nominations is Brute Club not making the Newsmaker category. Str8upPorn makes multiple blogs about him and in every single one calls him “Controversial pornstar”…

    Either Zack really hates him enough to keep him out – or he’s been threatened by Brute about including his name. From what I’ve seen Zach tends to back down with Brute so I’m guessing this is the explanation.

    Or maybe he just didn’t make the cut – but no one is seriously ever going to accept that excuse. Considering str8upgayporn activelycalls him “controversial pornstar” in all the articles. Pretty sure this will get deleted because it’s a valid point. I’ll probably get accused of being Brute Club if Zach is kind enough to keep my comment up.

    Thought this was supposed to be free from politics like the other awards.